Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry that I haven't posted any blogs recently.
I would like to quickly say I that I am going through a really tough time at the moment, I am struggling with depression and anxiety and horrible thoughts. But on the bright side I have God. Unfortunately I don't always think of the bright side.
Recently I have thought to myself;
-Do I really have to go to church?
-Do I really have to get out of bed?
-Why are these people being horrible to me?
-Why is God is putting me through this?
-Is there any point?
-Why am I so alone?
And last night I attended a connect group (study group with some of the church) I really did not feel like going, I had horrible thoughts in my head which I could not stop. People always tell you to smile, it can't be that bad... well the truth is... it's worse. People who haven't been through your circumstances can never understand but the one person who can understand and listen you is Jesus.
Last night I finally decided to attend the group but I was not even on the same planet as everyone there. I was in my own bubble of pain. I just wanted to break down, cry and lock myself away. I didn't want to attend but when deciding to go I packed my bag which consists of a journal, bible and 2 pens and a highlighter. Which is very organised for me.
During the night I was asked if I had 2 pens to lend to someone for an activity, so I said yes and willingly gave them to people. But when the message was being shared later that night I didn't have the confidence or words to ask for them back. So by me being prepared and bring 2 pens I still ended up with nothing. I couldn't write any notes during the message. I sat in my chair and just stared at my empty paged journal.
And asked God how am I supposed to equip myself and be prepared by bringing several pens when you knew that I still would not be able to write anything. And I felt God saying, Jessica you were prepared in body but you are not prepared in spirit. You are being unfaithful by not trusting me and letting me provide you with the correct tools in which you need to study the message. I felt God saying talk to me when planning because I am the senior planner and your plans go through me. This made me quite frustrated but I turned my voice recorder on my iPhone and today I listened to the message a friend had shared and I felt little better because I prayed and prepared myself to absorb the word and just open myself up bit more.
My goal now to focus on daily is to be spiritually awake and to be faithful by trusting in what god has promised me and trust that he will prepare me for the journey ahead which I know is going to be worse than this.
I urge to today to read the following scriptures and meditate them in your own bibles. Be awake. Don't be fast asleep in your own judgement.
1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 5:14 For anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.
Colossians 4:2 Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.
Have a blessed week
Founder & Head Writer of BFW